The Washington Times-Herald

Columns

September 14, 2013

A war with the door and the door won

(Continued)

Although I’m not a licensed contractor, I knew there was some professional device that would help me get to the other side of that door.

Then I remembered, that my “special door-opening-tool-kit” consisting of a chisel, hammer, nine-iron and a Ginsu knife.

I immediately went to work on that door like Geraldo Rivera trying to open Al Capone’s vault.

I began by trying to chisel off the door knob, and although I was successful in decapitating the outside knob with a surgical skill, there was still a mangled inner-working of hardware that I knew would require the next level of a tactical attack. I began to try to swing the nine iron in a controlled but forceful manner, hoping to only hit the mangled metal, but unlike Tiger Woods’ ex-wife, I was unable to hit my target.

It was now Door 2, Todd 0.

I knew I would then have to move in for some hand-to-hand combat using the Ginsu knife. I lunged at the door like a wolverine on PCP, wildly hacking and cutting until I had removed the entire area around the knob, leaving grapefruit-sized hole, a broken Ginsu and blood all over my knuckles.

Although I was proud of my conquest, I realized that not everyone in the home might be so comfortable with the new ventilation shaft I had added to the bathroom door.

However, I was quick to point out that it would have some benefits — like they could now pass me a magazine or socks right through the new hole, or even in a pinch, a burrito (which would eliminate the entire middle man in the event that started this process).

Heck, its not like a bath towel shoved into the hole doesn’t serves the same purpose as a knob — and it allows you to dry your hands and open the door at the same time. I’m surprised I didn’t get an extra Father’s Day gift for that bit of ingenuity alone.

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