On Wednesday, I reached the day honoring my arrival on this planet 44 years ago.

The day really wasn’t that significant because I don’t believe I have accrued any more wisdom or knowledge than anyone else my age; however, the one thing I have learned is, whatever I think is absolute, probably is not — and I believed that until Wednesday.

I am now SURE I just uncovered the most moronic thing on the planet.

How stupid can it be? It is “hands up in the air and shout hallelujah, I hit the mother lode of stupidity” stupid.

I was informed by Fox News (and verified on the always-reliable Internet) —Plants have dignity.

And apparently, thanks to a committee of Swiss scientists and government officials citing the Swiss Constitution, they (the plants) have rights and protections as well.

Hence: The Swiss Federal Constitution stipulates that “The Confederation shall legislate on the use of the reproductive and genetic material of animals, plants and other organisms. In doing so it shall take into account the dignity of creation and the safety and security of man, the animal and environment, and shall protect the genetic diversity of animal and vegetable species” (Art. 120 Swiss Federal Constitution).

In layman’s terms, it means the Swiss have weighed in and announced that the arbitrary killing of flora is MORALLY wrong (and potentially punishable under the law).

When asked to be specific, they said that it is not immoral to raise plants to be consumed, but if the farmer were to “decapitate” flowers along the roadside for no particular reason, then at some point he could held accountable.

I am not talking about vandalism, because that is crime against a person. In this case the plaintiff is not the person who planted the posy — it is the actual posy.

I wish I were making this up, but I’m not.

The government is also withholding grant money to those Swiss scientists who engage in certain aspects of genetic engineering, especially where the engineering is designed to create and experiment on plants whose capacity to reproduce (aka seedless watermelons) have been removed. They say plants have a RIGHT to be allowed to reproduce.

Some out there in the blogosphere are calling this the “vegetable rights movement” or “the silent scream of the asparagus.”

I’m not really sure how the veggie rights movement got started in Switzerland (my guess is someone from Bloomington probably moved there). I assume if I were a left-wing wacko, and civil and animal rights had become passe or war protests and the World Bank had become monotonous, then the rights of radishes would seem like the next logical step.

Although this does little to lessen my already-waning respect for Europeans, I do worry that it will shortly find its way to the wacko enclaves of Boulder or San Fransisco. (Would one call these places “fertile ground” for veggie rights?)