Welcome to Miami, Super Bowl visitors! You are going to have a wonderful time, from the moment you arrive in our magical city, until the moment you discover that your wallet is missing.

I’m kidding! You’ll be fine, probably! Because the truth is that Miami is a terrific place, despite the criticisms you may have heard from ignorant yokel blowhards who shall remain nameless, such as U.S. Rep. Tom Tancredo.

Back in November, Rep. Tancredo, who represents suburban Denver, ruffled some feathers down here when he called Miami “a Third World country.” For the record, that charge is unfair: Miami is WAY better armed than any Third World country. Miami is also a world-class party city, which is why the Super Bowl is being held here for a record-tying ninth time. Compare that with — to pick a city at random — Denver, which has been selected to host the Super Bowl a total of, let’s see the ‘60s, nope the ‘70s, nope the ‘80s, nope the ‘90s, nope the 2000s, nope . . .

Gosh, it seems that Denver has NEVER, not one single time in over four decades, been selected to host the Super Bowl. I’m sure there’s a good reason for this, such as that the Denver area has too few hotel rooms, or too many xenophobic dimwits representing it in Congress.

But enough about Tom. Let’s get back to Miami.

We’ll start with:

Arriving in Miami

Chances are you’ll arrive — Lucky you! — at Miami International Airport. Here you will find a spacious, modern, convenient, well-designed, passenger-friendly, state-of-the-art facility depicted on murals showing what the airport allegedly will look like if they ever finish it. This is unlikely to happen in the current century because the airport is under the control of Miami-Dade politicians, who traditionally fall into one of three categories: (1) incompetents; (2) criminals; and (3) incompetent criminals. I have lived here for more than 20 years, and for that entire time the airport has been under construction, with almost all of the visible progress taking the form of larger and better murals.

At the airport, you will notice that many people are speaking Spanish; this is often true in Miami. It is not a big deal. Most Spanish-speakers speak some English; in fact, many of them speak it far better than — to pick a xenophobic dimwit at random — Rep. Tom Tancredo. Nevertheless, you may find it helpful to learn a few basic Spanish phrases, such as:

“Perdoname, dama o caballero.” (“Excuse me, lady or horseman.”)

“He estado esperando mi equipaje dos dias.” (“I have been waiting two days for my luggage.”)

“Si, es un mural atractivo.” (“Yes, it is an attractive mural.”)

“?Usted piensa que consiguire mi equipaje a tiempo para el tazon estupendo?” (“Do you think I will get my luggage in time for the Super Bowl?”)

“?Donde esta el Rep. Tancredo?” (“Where is the toilet?”)

Getting Around Miami