Miami boasts a modern light rail and “people mover” system that cost hundreds of millions of dollars and serves an average daily ridership of nearly eight people. This system was conceived of and built by basically the same political leadership responsible for the airport, so needless to say it does not go to the airport. It also does not go to many other places that many Miami residents would like to go, which is why most of them do not use it. To them, the Metrorail train is a mysterious object that occasionally whizzes past over their heads, unrelated to their lives, kind of like a comet. The point is, you need to rent a car. Do NOT be afraid to do this. You may have heard scary stories about driving in Miami, but the truth is that you will be perfectly safe, as long as you remain within the rental—car lot. Beyond that, you are on your own.

If you do venture out on the roads of Miami, here are some rules to bear in mind:

•Never stop for a yellow light unless you want to be rear-ended.

•Ditto for a red light.

•In fact, as a general rule, never stop.

•In Miami, signaling a turn is viewed as a sign of weakness.

•If you find yourself stuck behind a slow-moving car that does not appear to have a driver, that car is in fact being operated by a senior citizen approximately the height of a Pepsi can, but with worse eyesight. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PASS THIS CAR. At any moment the operator could suddenly decide to change lanes without warning. Just be patient, and within a mile the car will drive off the road, often into a canal or building, and you can pass safely.

•Whatever else you do, do NOT get on Interstate 95. If, by mistake, you DO get on Interstate 95, whatever you do, do NOT get off.

About parking: In Miami, it is acceptable to park pretty much anywhere, including on sidewalks, lawns, and slow-moving pedestrians. There are also some legal parking spaces; if you find one, you’re supposed to pay for it at one of the electronic machines located around the downtown area, which you can identify by the clot of people cursing at them, because they never work. Parking is trickier on Miami Beach, where the last available space was taken in 1997. If you go over there, you will have to leave your car with a valet, who will park it somewhere else. Haiti, for example.

Here are some useful Spanish expressions for getting around Miami:

“Salga de mi camino, usted Rep. Tancredo.” (“Get out of my way, you stupid idiot.”)

“No tire, por favor.” (“Please do not shoot.”)

“?Esta el Oceano Atlantico alrededor de aqui?” (“Is the Atlantic Ocean around here?”)

“?Donde esta la playa con la gente desnuda?” (“Where is the beach with the naked people?”)

“Excuseme, pero usted ha parqueado en mi pie.” (“Excuse me, but you have parked on my foot.”)