Midwesterners tend to be friendly, polite, honest and trusting, so down here they are dead meat. We need to keep an eye on them. If you see a visitor who looks confused, don't hesitate to offer help:

YOU: Hello! I see you are from the Midwest.

VISITORS: Why, yes we are! How could you tell?

YOU: By your non-taut, yogurt-colored bodies. Do you need directions?

VISITORS: Yes, thanks! We want to go to the beach.

YOU: Like that?

VISITORS: Yes.

YOU: We have no beach.

See? By going a just little out of your way to help, you have averted what could have been an unfortunate situation. If we all do our part, we can make this Super Bowl a wonderful experience for our visitors, one that will rank up there with some of the unforgettable Super Bowls of the past, such as XXLVII, XCCXIX, XXVLXXI, VMCLKX, and of course MMLVIXMXI.

Here at the Miami Herald we will be doing our part by publishing, every day, a minimum of 275 Super-Bowl-related articles ("Septic-Tank Pumpers Expecting Super Busy Weekend").

This is a big effort for us, so if you see an actual news event - say, a mushroom cloud rising over the Port of Miami - please do not call us, unless you have reason to believe it is a Super-Bowl-related mushroom cloud. Thank you.

NEED TICKETS FOR THE GAME? As you know, tickets for the Super Bowl are very hard to come by but we have learned that a limited number of them are still available, at face value, from congressman Tom Tancredo of Colorado. Give him a call! This information must be true, because it is being printed in a newspaper.

Dave Barry is a long-time humor columnist who lives in Miami, Florida, with his wife, Michelle, a sportswriter. He has a son, Rob, and a daughter, Sophie, neither of whom thinks he’s funny.