PARENTAL ADVISORY

So I was outside the stadium at the NFL Experience (“The Official NFL Experience of the Super Bowl”) which is where you, the Ordinary Fan, can experience what it’s like to be a real NFL player by throwing a football, kicking a football, breaking Joe Theismann’s leg like a pretzel, etc. There were many kids in Colts and Bears jerseys running around, and it was all very wholesome, except for the music blasting over the PA system, which was a woman proudly singing:

My humps! My humps!

My lovely lady lumps!

At least that’s what it sounded like she was singing. Is that a real song? Does the NFL (“The Official NFL of the NFL”) know about it?

UPDATE

OK, I have done some research in and around Originally Joe Robbie Stadium, and here is what I have determined so far:

1. Beer is $10 a bottle.

2. Ten dollars a bottle.

3. But people are buying it anyway.

URGENT BREAKING SUPER BOWL BULLETIN

There is a rumor going around the stadium that the coaches in this year’s game are both African-American. Has anyone heard anything about that? I am going to “poke around” and see what I can find out.

SUPER BOWL UPDATE

I got to the stadium, and — even more incredibly — found my seat. I am very excited, because the NFL has provided the news media with Official Super Bowl Lunchboxes, containing an Official Super Bowl Lunch:

And get this: I am sitting right near the Red Hotline Phone, which connects me directly to the radio in Peyton Manning’s helmet. I plan to be offering helpful advice to Peyton all through the game. At the moment, I am advising him to put his pants on after he puts on his athletic supporter.